I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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