remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
