I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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