get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
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i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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