Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
