She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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