i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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