Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
