how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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