I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
