Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
