Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found the puke drawer
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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