I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize