Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
