Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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