Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
