So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
