Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
