I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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