ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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