Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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