Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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