Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂