everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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