No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
