The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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