I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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