This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
