Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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