this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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