An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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