you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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