I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
