Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
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You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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