It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
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people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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