Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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