Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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