It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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