Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Sober January is a disaster.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
