I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
