So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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