I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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