dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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