Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
