Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
