My cat gives me a boner
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
