just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
