Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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