I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
