new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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