People in love make me want to vomit
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
there is glitter all over my balls
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