If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
