someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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