I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
