We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
