3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
