On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.