I wish my penis had an off switch
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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