My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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